04 September, 2016

Life was messy, and I'm better for it.

I'm twenty-six, and for the first time in my life, I'm not looking back on my life and wondering if it was all worth it. It was, every moment.

I'll be 100% honest with you, there has been a lot of complaints and frustrations about my past from me, and I can't say with 100% assurance that they'll go away, but I'm getting better.

Let's start at the beginning, literally the beginning of me. While I can't tell you everything, as I was either still growing or a young child, I can tell you what I know, the facts if you will.

My dad, (Mr. Camper) and my mom (Mama Tree Frog) are 19 1/2 years apart. Yes, you read that correctly, now don't get too bogged down with the numbers, because I love them. Yes the fact is my dad has graduated high school before my mom was even born, but let's be frank, the top photo above shows you that my dad does not look like he's in his mid forties, and to this day looks much younger then he is.

My dad was raised by a stay-at-home mom, in a typical nuclear, baby-boomer household. He walked to school, always brought a lunch and graduated in '64, just as the sixties were taking effect. My mom was raised in that, the sixties that gave way to the 70s. She was raised by a single mom with weekend visits to her dad. My dad from the outside had a quintessential upbringing, his parents were together for his entire childhood, they took vacations, and his mom was at home. My mom's parents divorced when she was three and she knew nothing else.

Essentially, they were as different as night and day. He was 43 when he met my mom, at 23, and I was a surprise.

Fussed together now, life went on, my dad was in the Army Reserves and served in Desert Storm, and missed my first birthday, my mom didn't get a lot of help back home, and handled it, as she does with all things.

Fast forward, the differences I'm sure became too much and at seven my parents separated. I'll be the first to tell you, how happy I am that they're apart. While I love them with my whole heart, they're better this way. Plus I got a sister (Miss Music) out of the deal, so I'm the lucky one.

The years after their divorce were messy, truly. Things were not pretty, and at one point the courts had to help mediate some decisions because it just wasn't happening. I would spend a lot of years feeling tugged, but I was also a willful child and knew how to play them against each other. I'd like to formally apologize for that, though I believe every child does it. Names have been called, and for years I was their method of communication.

But I'm twenty-six now and I understand things a lot better. There was a winter in my childhood, that changed everything, that I saw my mom lose it, like actually just break down and cry and scream because that was the only thing she had left in her, I remember how helpless I felt. I'm an adult now and analyzing that situation now, I'm surprised she held on as long as she did, held the tears and the stress and the yelling back for as long as she did. I certainly don't think I'd be that strong.

While my dads emotions are not as extreme, I've seen my dad at his lowest, the tears and sadness and hopelessness that overtook this man who exudes joy and happiness.

I've seen my parents broken, broken to their core (at least from my perspective), and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm better because my parents were open, because they broke down and didn't hide, because I was privy to the moments that tore at their heart, even if I was the cause. I've seen the tears, meltdowns, screaming fights but I've also seen the joy, the laughter and the happiness.

I'm twenty six and this past May, we all came full circle. From the hurt and the loss, to Mr. Bear's graduation, where my parents together helped through an amazing party. They went shopping together, cooked, set everything up, hosted and tore it all down.

I have never once been in doubt that I am the most important thing in my parents lives (though I share my mom with Miss Music), that they would drop everything, and help me in anyway possible.

This is unconditional love, it literally radiates around you, envelopes you and overcomes everything.

Life isn't perfect, it's messy. I was raised by two people from totally different walks of life, I walked through their lives messy, sometimes feeling like I was the cause of the mess. I am balanced, I am happy and it's because of them. I'm not perfect, far, far from it, but I am whole.

Sometimes you aren't given the perfect life, but with a lot of love and hard work you can make it. Sometimes you have to step away, to allow yourself to grow and become the best person possible. Sometimes it's ok to let go, let God and watch what happens.

I wish for nothing more in my life then to see my husband, my (future) children and my parents happy. Both of my parents know, that I want them to follow their hearts, live their dreams and experience an ounce of the happiness I've been privy to because of the blessed life they've given me.

I love you both.

Scooter / Bug Lips

1 comment :

  1. As my beautiful daughter has pointed out, the Lord feel that her father and I shared wasn't always easy. It is sad for me to hear that what sticks out the most in her mind, were OUR faults as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. Her father and I had many, many good times. We shared lots of love and respect for each other. We knew we hat our age difference could become an issue, but I am not certain that it ever was. Our differences were nothing to do with our daughter, but everything to do with growing in different directions.
    As we both knew it hat our priority had always been, and would always be, our daughter, we fought to keep that in perspective. We both wanted to give her the best of ourselves. As we have aged, we have come to the realization that all of the past is done, and the future of our child and her family is STILL our priority. As she has grown into a beautiful young woman, has married her best friend, and is planning her future family, I believe that her father and I have moved forward with her. We still want the best for her. We still want to give her the best of ourselves. We will continue to be her biggest supporters, and her rock when she needs.
    The differences between her father and I, will only go to make her a stronger, more diverse, well rounded person. Though I do regret some of the pain that she experienced as a child, I find comfort in knowing that she not only learned from it, she has utilized her father and I's differences, and became a person who can and does utilize the best of all she is given and becomes the best 'she' that she can be.


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