29 June, 2016

Hello Self-Love, it's nice to meet you.

It happened on the shores of Lake Tahoe, the place on earth that I can define as my happy place. I had to find it one day with my therapist, and it was one of the easier questions she had asked me. "Where is your happy place?" Lake Tahoe, the lake, the air, the sky, the smell, it was what Lake Tahoe did to my soul. It was one of those places you were sure God walked everyday.

I know I haven't seen a lot of the world, and I'm sure you could find a more beautiful place, but not to me. There isn't a more beautiful place.

So why am I talking about a lake? Well that's where it happened, the moment I realized I had closed a book of my life, and the last scene of that book, and the first scene of the next were at Lake Tahoe. Because that place, that magical, majestic place that I once thought was the home of a sea(lake) creature, is my soul food. It is a physical place that can feed my soul.

I had stood on that beach before, when I was 11.  My life up to that point had changed directions many times, for an eleven year old it was a little chaotic, but that's another story (let me just add this fun tidbit: 3 siblings in 3 months).

Standing on that beach at twenty-six was a completely different experience, A LOT had happened in my life since eleven. Like, an awful lot. Not all of it good, and a lot of things that had held me back, that had been poison to my very soul.

However what happened was an awakening of my soul, the realization that I could write the rest of this. I had spent a lot of years, conforming. Conforming to what I thought everyone else wanted of me.

I think we all face that pressure, everyone pulling you in 100 directions, telling you what you need to be. This quote below, summarizes that feeling I've had for years.

So sitting on that beach I realized one very key statement to take with me over the next few years, "The strangers you meet they don't know you, and yeah they're probably judging you, it's human nature, but they'll never see you, and they don't determine your worth. The people who care about you, but don't love the real you, who do judge you, and critique you, they don't matter. Take their words with a grain of salt, because they don't see the beauty within. However the people that love you, like really love you, who see past every imperfection, they don't care. They don't care about your pant size, your messy eyeliner or your bad days, because they see who you are and love you deeply. They are the people to hold onto, the people to bring close and the ones to ask opinions from."

A lot of my hatred for myself had been focused on my body, why does this ugly body have to be the first thing people see? So I thought about becoming confident in what I wear, and putting on that bikini, with lots of Tiger Stripes and Cellulite, and I realized the people that matter are going to love the suit for what it means for me, and they don't give a shit about the body in it.

Here is what I know about myself, I'm twenty-six, and I just learned to love this body of mine. Because it's a feat of magic, to be able to contain this awesome-ness inside of it. I'm a wife and a friend, I love my God in a way that people don't always understand. I take care of the cutest little boy ever for my job, and the cutest little dachshund barks everyday when I get home. My friends are the bomb, they're my tribe, and I'd move to a private island with these ladies. I have the (hands down) greatest father a girl could ask for, and he's taught me so much about life. The best parts of me, well they're fucking amazing. The kindness, humor, and intelligence, they've always been there. The confidence and the take no shit-ness that's new, and I LOVE it.

I just got so damn tired of hating myself. I am a result of my life, and damn it I survived it. I went through some crap, though truly not as bad as others, but I survived it. Maybe I haven't thrived, I think that's clear, but everything I am is a direct result of my ability to get through all that shit. So why do I hate what I am or hate how I look?

I need to cut myself some slack, no I'm not perfect, far from it friends. I have a lot of areas that need some fine-tuning and working on, but I'm here, I have a beautiful life, and now is the time that I begin working on the areas that need some work. 

So I encourage you beautiful blogging world, find your happy place, go there as often as you can, find your self, but mostly love yourself. Cut your body, your mind, and your heart a break. They literally hold that amazing you inside, they show the world what you have to offer, and your heart, your heart powers everything you are and have.

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