Life was messy, and I'm better for it.

I'm twenty-six, and for the first time in my life, I'm not looking back on my life and wondering if it was all worth it. It was, every moment.

My Version of - My World Would Be So Different If You Were Still Alive

I read an article called My World Would Be So Different If You Were Still Alive, and it hit home in many ways but I wanted to make my own version.

See I lost my brother in law to suicide two years ago, and while I don't cry everyday, weird things hit me and make me sad or thoughtful.

So here is my version of the article.

It doesn’t matter that it’s been years since you’ve passed away. It doesn’t matter that half of the people that are now in my life have never even met you. I still think about you all the time. I still wish you were here. After all, everything would be so different if you were still alive.

Of course, when I say “everything,” I don’t actually mean everything. Chances are, I’d still be living under the same roof and working the same job. I’d still be married to your brother and loving the same dog. Only little things would change, but the little things mean the most.

If you were still alive, I wouldn’t have to push the happy memories away, because they’re too painful to replay in my head. I’d just think of them and smile, and then pick up the phone to give you a call.

If you were still alive, I’d have one more person around to meet my future children. One more person to embarrass me and your brother with awkward stories about our childhood. One more person to welcome them into our amazing family.

If you were still alive, then there would be one more voice cheering over the fireworks on Fourth of July. One more voice yelling at the table when we play board games and one more voice singing along to whatever bullshit song popped on the radio while you add silly dance moves to it.

If you were still alive, there wouldn't be two days a year that I think of you. One less date that made me burst into tears every single year. Your birthday would be the only date that reminded me of you, and we’d have a hell of a good time celebrating.

If you were still alive, there’d be more presents under the Christmas tree. One more person to buy legos for, even though we're all adults. One more person to make special "picky eater acceptable" food with, because you and I didn't like everything.

If you were still alive, there would be one more invitation to send out for my kids birthday parties. One more person to dance with when to Peanut Butter Jelly time when it flooded through the speakers. One more person to tear up and tell me how happy they are for me.

If you were still alive, I’d have one more person to show around my new house. One more person to dog-sit for me during weeklong vacations. One more person to tell me that they’re proud of everything I’ve become.

If you were still alive, I wouldn’t have to talk to you through prayers or through my dreams. I could send you a text or write you a letter or just show up on your front step in the middle of the goddamn night, and you’d be happy to listen.

If you were still alive, I wouldn’t have pushed certain people away. I wouldn’t be as pessimistic and cold as I am now. I wouldn’t be so terrified of losing someone again, someone I care about as much as you.

But if you were still alive, I might not have realized that the whole “live each day like it’s your last” mindset is legit. That I need to treasure every moment while I still can and tell my family I love them as much as possible.

As much as I miss you, I’m thankful for what you taught me while you were here, and what you’re continuing to teach me now that you’re gone.

I don't normally share names, but for this I will
we miss you.
we love you.
and we can't wait to see you again. 

Riding the Wave

Before I begin this blog post, let me be honest. I will talk about depression, anxiety, and suicide.

So for a while I've wanted to write this blog post, but could never really voice it in a way that made sense. If that makes sense. I knew how I processed it, but it didn't come across clearly, but I finally found the way, the quick visualization that makes this easier.

Day 3: Stop Talking Bad About Yourself (3 Things)

Welcome back to day three of Self-Love week! Yesterday we talked about labels, and it'll come in handy today. This post is going to start with a story, which I hope you'll stick with.